Legolas DIES!
by Oddwen Floddball
Summary: I find ways to kill Legolas. Or he finds them himself. Not for the squeamish. Now added: More spidery goodness!
1. My kingdom for some Spidey Sense

My "I Hate Orleggy Bloomleaf" stories. I mean no physical harm to Orlando Bloom, or the character of Legolas.  
  
Just him. Bwa-ha-ha. Don't read if you're squeamish. :P  
  
Legolas Greenleaf was dancing through Mirkwood one fine day when all of a sudden, he felt a sharp pain in his left leg! He looked down in amazement to see what could be causing his poor footsie such pain, when he saw a rabid chipmunk! It was gnawing his ankle furiously.  
  
Almost as furiously, he pulled out his bow and arrow, and shot himself in the foot! With a scream, he fell on his back, and sobbed like a baby! Blinking away the tears, what did he see above him looking into his face but a giant spider! The spider opened its mouth, revealing giant fangs! Its breath was so bad, the elven prince almost passed out. Snarling furiously, the spider clamped onto the elf's soft, sleek, smooth hair and dragged him across the woodland floor to its web, so that it could punch its poison stinger into Leggy's chest cavity and then suck his bloody pulpy bodily organs out through his nasal passages with a straw.  
  
Legolas screamed like a sissy girl, and then poked the spider in the eye. The spider roared with anger, and then Leggy dislodged the rabid chipmunk from his ankle, and threw it at the spider. The two animals fought furiously, and Leggy-boy was able to hobble away. But soon, he discovered he was lost in the most spidery part of Mirkwood, with night coming on!  
  
All of a sudden, an one-eyed very angry spider dropped onto his head! The elven prince's neck was broken instantly! Needless to say, there was at least one well-fed spider in the woods that day, along with its best friend the chipmunk.  
  
The end.  
  
Review and hate me! 


	2. Danga' danga' danga!

Wow...ten POSITIVE (one might say "overly fervently gleeful", gulp SiriusLives001) reviews! You guys are awesome, thanks!  
  
I've got quite a few little stories, this one's a little short, so be prepared...bwahaha...  
  
Legolas Greenleaf was puttering around in his garden one day, when suddenly he felt he couldn't move. Turning to look at his feet, he saw that the tender green tendrils of his new, imported Dwarrow Morning Glory had wrapped themselves around his left foot! Taking his garden trowel, he very deftly chopped two toes off! He screamed in agony, and fell face-first into his Orcen Nettle Bush. Then a worm climbed up his nose! He wrenched himself free, and ran towards his room!   
  
Unfortunately, he tripped on his kiddie-pool and got his clothsies all wet. Then he tripped again and fell in a pile of dirt! Needless to say, the electric eye-door of his fathers' didn't recognize him, so he smashed into those with a CRASH! He fell right into the moat, and was eaten by a rabid crocodile for revenge against his cousin, the chipmunk.  
  
The end.  
  
There's a quick-edit button on the story submitting page...sniff I love you guys! 


	3. You're only killed once!

Thank you all for your positive reviews! They mean so much. :)  
  
Suprise! "Legolas DIES!" isn't all just stories. This is a rather Dr. Seussian poem. I don't know why it turned out that way. My brother loves it, for some reason.  
  
For an EXCELLENT even more Seussian poem, please read "That Legolas, Man" by leggy-stinks. It's a hilarious story, and it's located in my favorites. In fact, read all of leggy-stinks's stories.  
  
Legolas Greenleaf, out walking one day An orc did he spy, and thought he would slay  
  
So creeping so softly upon his quarry, Never thinking for this he'd be sorry!  
  
The orc was a scout for quite large a battallion, Rows upon rows, and Nazguls riding black stallions!  
  
Poor Leggy crept closer and closer to doom, And meanwhile the servants were cleaning his room.  
  
Never thinking their fair prince would never come back, Their elf prince would become quite tasty a snack.  
  
So blind was he to all else as he crept towards, The lone orc mapping out the ways of the fjords  
  
He tripped on a tree root, and fell on his face! The orc scout turned around, and then began to race  
  
Back to his commander, to give his report, "An elf in the woods, and elves are such sport!"  
  
"Then haste, bring him hither," his commander replied "Us Nazgul just love to deal with nasty spies."  
  
So Leggy was brought to the Black Rider crying, But no-one thought to give heed to his whining.  
  
"You can't do this to me!" Leggy screamed out. "My Daddy's a king!" but he quieted to a shout.  
  
"He'll hit all your heads," he hissed in a whisper But not a thing moved, moved not a whisker.  
  
He whimpered in fright, and Orcses moved near, Hasty to be the first to be the cause of his fear.  
  
Leggy-boy screamed, it was the last sound he uttered, "You foolish orcs!" the head Nazgul sputtered.  
  
"It was I should have done it! I! Me! Myself! 'Twas I who should have done in the elf!  
  
Our Master will hear of this, see if he doesn't! And the fates he devises sure won't be pleasant."  
  
The orcs all wailed in the utmost distress, The noise of which scared all the birds from their nests.  
  
"Oh please, don't tell Master what happened just now, For we know what he'll give us, oh boy, and how!"  
  
The Nazgul just grinned, what a horrible sight, And told them all that it would be all right.  
  
"Just find some green herbs, po-ta-toes and you, Will help me feast on a Mirkwood Elf Stew!"  
  
The Orcses all did this, and danced through the night And from experience, that stew tasted all right.  
  
You may be sad for your Leggy, all you and sundry But he is a hero! For those orcs were hungry!  
  
Because of his nutritious body so slim, The company owes their victory to him.  
  
Without his nourishment, they would not have won, Thranduil's kingdom owes their fall to his son.  
  
The end.  
  
Kindly let me know what you think. :D 


	4. Move over Pokémon!

_Ex-tremely _sorry for not updating! I know y'all are insatiable fiends and need your daily gore. Here are are a few haiku poems dealing with the death of our favorite protagonist.

>>>

Legolas-fair elf

Dies with the best of 'em, yes

Not too soon for me

>>>>

Elvish footsteps sound

In the bracken and leaf mould,

Fall into slime pit deep

>>>>

Walking in the trees

Feet balancing on branches

Plummet into space

>>>>

Leggy, traipsing home

Near the enchanted river

Oops, slipped, napping now.

_(My personal favorite)_

>>>>

Bow-and-arrow aims,

Targets the orcish sniper

Didn't watch his back.

_(My brother's personal favorite)_

>>>>

Spider infested

forest he calls home sweet home

they're digging his grave

>>>>

home sweet home, he says

but only partially, for

you can't talk when squooshed

>>>>

Pulpy gore-filled skull

Used to belong to an elf

Who annoyed me, see?

>>>>

Well known pretty-boys

shouldn't go near to Oddwen

She bites.

>>>

Thanks for reading!


	5. Tutu, touché

Yay! Yay! Another spot of brightness in your day. I hope y'all notice that I've started a community with the new C2 deal highlighting some good leggybashing stories. Please feel free to join and share some of YOUR discoveries. :)

One bright, sunny day in Mirkwood, Legolas was prancing along! He was anxiously awaiting his ballet recital, and couldn't wait to twirl in front of all his relatives. All of a sudden, his pink frilly tutu caught in a thornbush! He cried in anguish as the gauze tore in strips away from the plant. Uncontrollably weeping, he started for home. Unfortunately, the tears in his eyes blinded him to the branch that was in the way. The ribbons holding his left ballet slipper on tore, and his shoe flopped pitifully. Legolas cried in horror at what his father might think! That was the second pair in a week! Thranduil hadn't that many left from his own childhood, after all. Leggy screamed and hobbled on. Suddenly, he saw a hunting party of elves riding gaily through the woods. What if they should see him? He looked around frantically, and saw a handy hollow tree. Quickly he dived into hiding, only to jump just as quickly out again. He screamed and ran towards the hunting party, with a skunk's teeth firmly dug into the remains of his tutu! The party saw (smelled) him, screamed, and rode off towards the Elven King's halls as fast as their horses could go! They even managed to outrun the deer they had been chasing!

Leggy's tutu finally gave up, and fell off. The elf continued to scream, sob, and run blindly, crashing into trees, bushes, rocks, and whatever else was in his way. He tripped on a particularly handy root, and flew through the air! He landed on a wooden object. He managed to open his eyes enough to see that he was on a raft on a river. Leggy sniffed and stood up cautiously.

Meanwhile, in the garden, the Elven King watched a butterfly. It flapped its wings prettily.

Back at the raft, a slight breeze knocked the elf prince over into the water. Immediately, the water started sloshing with pirhana! Leggy screeched, for he felt himself getting sleepy! But the fish, due to the little-known fact that the scent of skunk is a natural antidote to drowsiness, were unaffected by the enchanted river, and were hungry for the taste of **BLOOD**! The elf fought as hard as he could, but his ballet slippers were being weighed down with water. The first pirhana bit a chunk of thigh. Then another. And another. The water darkened with **BLOOD**. Until finally, Legolas was nothing but a skeleton and sixteen hair ribbons at the bottom of the river.

The End.


	6. Leggy expires, but not by my own hand, a...

Howdy howdy howdy, how is everyone today? Good? Good. This 'un's a liddle bit short, but the next'll be longer. And wierder. In that Leggy doesn't die. gasp! But there are things worse than death, am I right ladies?

On, then!

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Frodo pointed at the elf who was strung up by his ankles, and laughed maniacially. His normally big happy blue eyes were shining with a light that should have belonged to something that lived in a swamp.

"You stole my fangirls!" he cackled, though this wasn't quite true. Legolas CREATED the fangirls.

The enraged hobbit tied a weight to the elf's hair, and sent him swaying in dizzying circles! Leggy screamed horribly! All of a sudden, the weak flimsy ceiling of the hobbithole collapsed, burying them both in the rubble, until Sam who was handily digging potatoes came and dug them both out.

Frodo was unharmed, but unfortunately they could not tell Leggy's mutilated body from the turkey Fro was preparing for dinner.

So they ate them both.

The End.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Luv y'all!


	7. ShamPOOOOOOO!

Hello again! This is a wierd one, and Leggy doesn't die. gaaasp! However, there is a second part to this that will hopefully be put up. Anyway, enjoy!

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Hello. I am a bottle of shampoo. You may say, "Hey, bottles of shampoo can't talk!". But then, you'd be wrong, wouldn't you?

Actually, I am a magical bottle of shampoo. At least in this Authoress's universe. She granted me a voice of my own after what I did to Leggy.

It was a bright and sunny day. I was waiting on the shelf with the others of my batch, when what happened but I was picked up and squealed over. Then I was shoved in a bag, and carried away. Along the way, I was left in a sunny spot for several hours. This may have contributed to what later happened.

The bag I was in was opened, and a face peered down at me. It was an imperious face, wierd blue eyes, with ridiculously long blonde hair. I was struck with an instant dislike.

The being picked me up and I saw with horror that he was wrapped only in a towel. Eew! He lifted my lid and sniffed. I take great pleasure in the way that he spasmed and twitched.

Then he poured me on his head and began to massage, and sing to himself. A moment later, he slowed to a hum, then he stopped altogether. Great clumps of his hair began to fall off, and he started to scream. The hair on the floor twisted in agony and then burst into blue flame. Clouds of poisonous gas began to pour off of his head, and out of the still open bottle of me. He screamed and pounded on the bathroom door, but the moisture from his bath had swelled it effectively shut. He screamed louder as the shampoo began to eat into his scalp. There was pounding on the other side of the door as his friends tried to save him. They finally succeeded, and they carted Leggy away. (I heard later that they accidentally dropped him down the stairs.)

Leggy wasn't dead, but the few straggling hairs that were left to him were sickly things, and also prone to turn purple with the least amount of moisture. Also, he had inhaled too much of the gas and he drooled profusely. And he never took a bath again. He and Aragorn took to hanging out in the woods, Aragorn using him as bait for the wild boars which he found a passion for hunting.

And I? I was dumped into the enchanted river, where the Authoress found me and published me. Not a bad life for a bottle of cheap shampoo, eh?

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Yes yes yes, and you all know what time it is. It's time to REVIEW!


	8. ShamPOOOOOOOO TWOOOOO!

Hello again! I'm back, with the conclusion to the shampoo story previously told. Yeah, I know it's not as wild as some of my other chapters, but hey. I'm trying to expand and exercise some of my writing "skills" _while_ I'm having fun.

Enjoy! Or not. It's your right to.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Why, hello again! It's your old friend, the bottle of shampoo. I wished to tell you my second experience with everyone's favorite prince of Mirkwood, Legolas Greenleaf.

Actually, there's little to tell of that, since I mainly served to fill his lungs with my herbal gel and smother him to death, but I'm sure you won't mind the telling.

As you recall, I was left floating down the enchanted river without a label to my name. But what happened next? I shall tell you. There was a journeying troupe of dwarves, what mission they were on I never heard, but they endeavored to cross the river at just the place where I had lodged in a clump of weeds.

Well, one of them fell into the water. He was a rather large fellow, and the splash carried me onto the bank. It didn't seem to be an improvement to me, but then neither did the rather large deer falling upon me either, at the time.

But that was just a misconception, for an hour or two later, an elven hunting party came upon the carcass and lifted it to bear it away.

What cries of astonishment when they saw me! "An omen!" they cried. "An omen! The Lord Legolas will grow hair again!" And in joy they brought me to the stronghold of the king.

Loth was I to return to that place, the judgemental glares of the myriads of hair-care products gazing in contempt at me, a lowly bottle of mystic acids and dried weeds. But return I did. They brought me before Leggy (his hair still as purple as ever!), and told him in little baby words that his time had once again come.

"Lord, once again thy golden tresses shall spring from thy scalp in long, flowing locks!"

"Pwetty?" he said eagerly.

"Yes, thy beauty shall once again be told throughout all the lands, unto Ënglönd, Nû Zeelan, Texás, and Hålléwûd shall ring with thy praises."

"Pwetty!" said Leggy again. It was enough. I gave a shrill whistle of rage (don't tell me you haven't squeezed your own shampoo bottle and heard that noise!), and sprung from the velveteen pillow they had set me on. I lodged myself down his throat. His courtiers tried to pull me out, but it was in vain. Glug! Glug! Glug! I emptied myself into his lungs. A few limp twitches, and it was all over. Leggy was no more.

And as for me, did Hålléwûd ring with my praises? No. I was taken to a bonfire and melted down into a puddle. But here I lay in the dirt, fortuitously melted into an attractively shaped Ring. And who knows what that portends for the future?

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Thank you!


	9. Arachnid anarchy!

Hello again! It's been nearly three months...sorry. I have here for your reading pleasure ANOTHER POEM! Slightly different style than the last, not sure what it's called.

Enjoy!

>>>>>

_Once up on a time_

_In the land without a rhyme_

_Mirkwood, a place by name_

_Which by day seemed fairly tame_

_Its prince was walking, close to night_

_Taking heed, and taking fright_

_Lost, it seems without a hope_

_Nor facial cream, nor bar of soap_

_His hair was messed, which only proved_

_That he was frantic, the only clue._

_His elven face was still placid_

_Only his jawbone hung there flaccid_

_Skittering leaves at his feet theron_

_Served to startle Thranduil's son_

_Running faster to put behind_

_The noises that were on his mind_

_Spiders noting movement there,_

_Attracted by his shining hair._

_Moving now through leaféd bough_

_They jumped and knocked the princeling down_

_Wrapped in silver cobwebs strung_

_Reflecting no light, moon or sun_

_Hanging wrongways elf sees now_

_Two fair siblings in a row_

_Attracted he their stares so shocked_

_But stared they instead at hole-y socks_

_Foot-tubes silken, wove with care_

_From mountain sheep's wooly hair_

_"What goes on here," said elder brother_

_"I do not know!" exclaimed the other._

_So crept they close to deadly tree_

_But spider movement prompted flee_

_Arachnids then upon themselves_

_Took the fate of those three elves._

_Night upon the forest fell_

_Upon the scene that I now tell_

_A feast surpassed by none before_

_The trees besplattered, blood and gore_

_They dined upon his cultured flesh_

_And blooded wine, declared "Da beshh!"_

_Morning dawned so fair and cold_

_O'er mountains high and caverns old_

_Three skulls strewn in callous glee_

_Beneath the base of one lone tree_

_Spider army tramp towards_

_The elven halls to dine on lords_

_The feast last night, so tender, sweet_

_Speed on now the eight-fold feet_

_No contest there, they enter on_

_And home-like webs are wove and spun_

_No elf is safe from grey threads sticky, _

_All of their ends are gross and icky._

_>>>>> _

Thanks for reading!


End file.
